


Across the Universe

by Ad_Astra



Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Crack, M/M, alien!Tsuna, everyone is an alien except Gokudera, hibari/everyone, mukuro/everyone
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-01-12
Packaged: 2018-01-08 11:55:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ad_Astra/pseuds/Ad_Astra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gokudera is pretty sure humans should not have the necessary neurons to feel like this. On one hand, he just got shot in the head, and is surprisingly not dead yet, which he should be if he lived on earth. On the other hand, his body is so terribly confused- the experience was like getting an orgasm at the same time as getting a donkey punch to the face.</p><p>"You have multiple flames!" Tsuna says, his entire beautiful face lit up in astonishment. "That's amazing!" </p><p>Gokudera blinks then looks at the rings on his hand, which are all glowing in several colours. He  has no idea what having multiple flames is supposed to entail but judging from the awestruck look on Tsuna's face, it must be the Earth equivalent of having loads of money, a hot car and a big dick. Gokudera feels like a total stud now.</p><p>--</p><p>AU where UMA!Tsuna takes Gokudera to Vongola Planet for their long-awaited intergalactic union under the stars. Sequel to <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/users/byakuzee">Byakuzee's</a> <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/799061">Alien Mine.</a></p>
            </blockquote>





	Across the Universe

**Author's Note:**

  * For [byakuzee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/byakuzee/gifts).



> It started with [this prompt](http://gestahlt.tumblr.com/post/49927955405/i-cant-believe-uma-2759-doesnt-exist-yet), which Zee answered with [this,](http://archiveofourown.org/works/799061) and now I wrote this because I realized I wanted to write Hibari, Mukuro and Byakuran as rulers of their own planets, even if only for the cameos. Made a few references to some sci-fi, western comics, and pop lit in this fic; bonus points to those who can catch them all (There are more than 3).

 

This is the happiest day of Gokudera’s life.

 

"I’ve spoken with the 1st ruler, and he has approved of my request to bring you to my planet for our ritual of astral unification,” Tsuna explains, as Gokudera listens in rapturous silence. “Planet Vongola is 100 parsecs away from Earth, so we shall have to leave post-haste if we’re going to make it before the event horizon of the next black hole.”

 

“I get to ride a space ship?” Gokudera asks. All his dreams are coming true.

 

“Of course. It should be here right about... “ Tsuna checks his watch and looks up at the sky. “... Now.”

 

There's a deep rumble in the sky.  The clouds seem to freeze for a moment, before shimmering, as if a thousand mirrors are successively flipping around, and then suddenly, the entire sky seems to fold upon itself, revealing Tsuna’s magnificent space vessel.

 

“The ship is a hybrid of a warship and exploratory vessel, with both weapon capabilities and gas mileage.”

 

It looks like a gigantic...

 

“My ship is equipped with cloaking device for space invisibility...”

 

spectacular...

 

“...shields fortified with starmetal and repellant artificial white holes.”

 

badass...

 

“... as well as of course, the regular luxury amenities of hot water, and your personal living footstools.”

 

...clam.

 

"Behold, the royal spaceship," Tsuna says, beaming, and gestures grandly behind him, his orange eyes shining with pride.

 

Gokudera blinks, rubs his eyes, and just stares even harder at the ship. Nope, it still looks like a giant mollusk of the deep blue sea..

 

"You seem unwell," Tsuna says, with a frown when Gokudera just keeps gaping like a landed fish.

 

"No, I'm just... just. I just wasn't expecting your spaceship to uh..." He fumbles for the right words, but “resemble a mermaid’s sleeping apparatus” don’t seem to be the appropriate ones for the situation, and he doubted Tsuna could get the reference.

 

"Oh.” Tsuna bites his lip unhappily. “Does it not appeal to you?"

 

Before Gokudera could break out in platitudes for the structural genius of shell-fish shaped spacecraft, Yamamoto butts in.

 

"Are you kidding Tsuna, he just had a boner looking at it," Yamamoto says, with a jaunty little laugh, and winking at Gokudera like he just did him a great favor.

 

Tsuna tilts his head sideways. "What is a boner?"

 

"Happiness!" Gokudera nearly shouts, and not-so-discreetly stomps on Yamamoto's foot.

 

"In his pants," Bianchi adds.

 

"Which is the best kind really," Yamamoto adds, smiling like a champ despite the pain.  

 

Gokudera reminds himself that homicide is looked down upon by Vongolians as well, not to mention that it would be extremely messy and difficult to explain to Yamamoto’s dad.

 

"I see," Tsuna says thoughtfully, and turns  to Gokudera. "I believe I have the necessary facilities in my ship to address that."

 

Gokudera’s face grows scarlet, and he resolutely ignores Bianchi’s sighs of _“oh to be young and virile”_ and Yamamoto’s knowing chuckle.

 

"Well then, I leave my brother's happiness in your hands, Tsunayoshi,” Bianchi says, and summarily shoves Gokudera into Tsuna’s direction.  “He is a rather prickly and delicate creature, so take care of him."

 

"I shall handle him with care, sister Bianchi,” Tsuna promises solemnly, and holds Gokudera’s hand. “The rubies for his bride token have been transported to your Swiss vault, as promised."

 

All of Gokudera’s skin contact-induced euphoria bleeds out of him. “Bride token? Wait WHAT?!” he sputters, and whirls around again towards his sister.  “You gave me away for _rubies_?"

 

“Five sacks of rubies, the bioluminescent moss from the Gobi desert, and ten pieces of mantis shrimp,” Tsuna corrects with perfect nonchalance.

 

“Is that,” Gokudera starts delicately, throwing menacing eyes at his sister, who’s currently trying to ignore her brother in favour of checking her nails.  “Why the Tenth was missing for three days?”

 

“Yes, I told you I had errands to run, did I not?” Tsuna answers for Bianchi, still adorably oblivious to Gokudera’s shift in blood pressure.

 

Gokudera all but launches himself at his sister. “You said you just sent him out to _buy a ring_!”

 

“I did that too,” Tsuna pipes up yet again and produces a ring from his pocket. “Is this a big enough rock? Byakuran offered me something much bigger, but it doesn’t seem practical anymore.”

 

The rock in question as it stands, is a diamond the size of a golf ball, and for all of Gokudera’s a manly man, he can’t help getting awestruck at the sight of it.

 

“Tenth, this is... this is...” he stammers, as Tsuna slides the ridiculous and expensive thing into Gokudera’s ring finger.

 

“I was very happy do it,” Tsuna says enthusiastically.  “I was almost dismembered after being accosted by a great white shark while searching for the mantis shrimp, but it was an overall good adventure.”

 

Gokudera looks at his sister, thunderstruck. “What the fuck do you need mantis shrimp for?”

 

“They’re cute,” Bianchi says, as if it’s all the explanation she needs.

 

Gokudera closes his eyes, counts backwards in Italian from ten to one, stops at quattro and starts yelling.

 

Needless to say, the send-off party didn't go as smoothly as planned, but once Tsuna managed to carry Gokudera inside and placate him by insisting on taking care of his 'happiness," things turned out more than okay.

 

*

 

The ride to Tsuna's home planet went smoothly, except for a few rough patches that left Gokudera totally discombobulated at intervals, and left him with little sense as to which way went right or left or up and down.

 

Their space journey however, is uneventful.

 

Planet Vongola seems like a nice place. It's a lot like Earth, only it's perfectly normal for people to make things explode or set things on fire.  Gokudera feels at home already.

 

"That's Mukuro, he's the ruler from Planet Kokuyo," Tsuna says, pointing to an incredibly handsome humanoid male with a strange pineapple hairdo, walking out of what Gokudera surmises to be the Vongolian equivalent of a pastry shop. "Don't believe anything he says. They say he has the power to incite terrific space orgies, but when he tried to get into my pants, all I saw were extra dimensional tentacles."

 

As if alerted by the transpiring gossip about his person, the alien named Mukuro, whips around and catches sight of the two of them. He breaks out into a disturbingly joyful smile and swiftly walks over in their direction.

 

“Hello Tsunayoshi, would you like a lollipop?”

 

“No thanks Mukuro,” Tsuna declines politely, taking a courteous step back, when Mukuro leans in much too close, seemingly not noticing the murderous aura emanating from Gokudera’s entire being.

 

“You are sporting a very distinct afterglow,” Mukuro observes, and imposes himself in Tsuna’s personal space even more.  “And you smell nice.” He leans back, smiling wickedly.  “Who have you been doing Tsunayoshi?”

 

Gokudera growls, and forces himself between Tsuna and this lecherous creepster. “None of your fucking business.”

 

Mukuro’s eyes flicker to Gokudera as if noticing him for the first time. “Oh Tsunayoshi, is this your new pet?” he asks, turning back to Tsuna.

 

“He’s my intended, Mukuro,”  Tsuna replies, and Gokudera throws Mukuro a”back off bitch he’s mine” glare that only amuses the other alien.

 

“Well, I’ll be sure to prepare the appropriate union offerings then,” Mukuro says grandly, with a prim little bow.

 

“That’s not really necessary, your presence shall be more than enough,” Tsuna says, his voice stiff but ultimately polite.

 

“Nonsense,” Mukuro says breezily, before strolling past Tsuna, and whispering. “You’ll love it.” And then he walks away, humming.

 

Tsuna waits until Mukuro is out of earshot before resuming their tour. "Do not accept gifts from Mukuro,” he tells Gokudera in warning. “One time, he gave me a set of pineapple printed underwear, and when I wore it at night, it suddenly transformed into two disembodied hands. I woke the rest of the castle screaming but it won't come off, and it set off a chain of events that made me destroy half the castle, and my brother to nearly go to war with Kokuyo. Mukuro just laughed, and wrote a song about it.”

 

Needless to say, Mukuro earned himself another mortal nemesis that day.

 

 

 

*

 

"That's Hibari. He's a prince of Namimori Planet," Tsuna says pointing to another alien, currently prowling around the roads.. "He's also the founder and leader of the Planetary Alliance's Disciplinary Committee. He's really scary."

 

Hibari looks like a regular humanoid boy, except for the fangs and weird leathery wings on his back.

 

"The Namimorian's primary language is violence. They are the Disciplinary officers of the Planet Alliance,” Tsuna explains further.  “They will not hesitate to punish anyone who breaks the rules. Especially if it's in their planet."

 

“He looks like a tight-ass,” Gokudera scoffs.

 

“Well, yes and no- the rulers actually have two modes: sex and violence,” Tsuna says, and Gokudera doesn’t bother telling Tsuna he didn’t mean it literally.  “The violence is the most predominant part of the year, except for one week.”

 

Intrigued, Gokudera presses for more information. “What’s so special about that weeK?”

 

"The rulers have this stage called the Ton Farr, where they need to seek out a mate for the purpose of releasing pent-up sexual frustrations,” Tsuna explains. “It's a big thing, with music and forest animals and everything. Of course, the music is just the planetary anthem on loop but they say that Hibari is good enough that you'll only be hearing your own screaming."

 

Wow, that sounds absolutely terrible. "So who is this Hibari’s mate?"

 

"It varies, but the usual suspects are King Dino of the Cavallone Planet and Mukuro,” Tsuna answers. He wraps his arms around himself and shudders. “I was also his mate once, but the encounter left me indisposed for a week so now the First Ruler makes it a point to send me off to a faraway planet whenever the time of Ton Farr draws near. It's how I got lost in Earth, actually."

 

"Why were you indisposed?"

 

Tsuna makes a face. "Namimorians like Hibari have very specific buttons. I accidentally brushed against the one that makes him enter carnivore mode, and he bites. Really hard. I was bleeding for days."

 

Gokudera mentally adds Hibari’s name under Mukuro’s in his newly formed “Alien shit list.”

 

"He's really scary,” Tsuna continues. “Like, over 9000."

 

Gokudera narrows his eyes at Hibari’s back.  "Oh yeah? How?”

 

"He lives off the fear of those who've been banished to the darkest corners of space, and washes it down with the tears of children who've been told that dessert has been outlawed,” Tsuna says with a completely serious face. “He cleans his fangs with diamond-edged razor wire, and gargles lava from the hottest volcanoes.”

 

Gokudera blinks, and then laughs at Tsuna's hyperbolic sense of humour. "I'm so glad we can speak common," he says, beaming. "Your language can even accommodate metaphors."

 

Tsuna tilts his head. "What is a metaphor?"

 

Gokudera wisely stays away from Hibari after that.

 

 

*

 

“That's Byakuran, emperor of Millefiore Kingdom. He is a very congenial person, and the first one to contact Earth to establish a steady trading of goods, specifically marshmallows."

 

Gokudera stops in his tracks and stares. "Wait-- he made contact with our planet for _marshmallows_?"

 

"Yes. I brought some home when I first got lost in your planet, and gave some to Byakuran,” Tsuna says, smiling fondly.  “He loved it so much he made his own trip to Earth to find out what it takes to get a steady supply. Actually, he’s currently in contact with Irie Shouichi from your planet.”

 

Gokudera racks his brain trying to recognize the name, and comes up empty.

 

“He got a good deal too. A lifetime supply of marshmallows for the blueprints of Millefiore’s mecha soldier, and a sack of diamonds each month,” Tsuna continues. “That’s a good bargain, isn’t it?”

 

Gokudera couldn’t help snorting.  “Yeah it is, for Shouichi,” he says loftily, suddenly seized with simultaneous bouts of pride and sheepishness at his fellow man’s clearly superior interplanetary bartering skills. “A sackful of diamonds can buy several lifetimes of marshmallows.” He shrugs. “Sorry to break it to you Tenth, but your Byakuran totally got gypped.”

 

Tsuna’s eyes widen. “Really?  But they just grow diamonds over there in Millefiore.”

 

Oh. Gokudera’s smugness vanishes in an instant, and he reddens, suddenly feeling foolish. “Well anyway, uh, tell me more about the Millefiore,” he says instead, diverting his attention away from talk about intergalactic trades, which he clearly knows zilch about.

 

Luckily, Tsuna is more than happy to oblige. “Well, like the Namimorians, Millefiore citizens have several special places that cause different consequences upon sexual contact,” he says, and Gokudera cringes internally, because anything patterned after the Namimorian code of sexuality ethics cannot lead to anything good.  “Like for example, if you press the right one, Byakuran will be sweet and lovingly caress each and every one of your erogenous zones, before giving you the payload and fucking you heroically.”

 

Gokudera knows he’s going to regret the question, but he bravely soldiers on. _For science,_ he tells himself. "And if you press the wrong one?"

 

"He'll rip you apart and lay eggs in your still-warm torso before locking you in an airtight incubator until you germinate and the hatchlings burst out of your festering flesh,” Tsuna says cheerfully,  like death by sexual evisceration is a perfectly normal occurrence (and Gokudera actually fears that it is.)

 

"..."

 

Tsuna notices Gokudera’s distress and waves his arms reassuringly. "Oh but do not worry! It's a very specific orifice in the 5th dimension- you would have to purposely look for it to activate it."

 

Gokudera’s not entirely sure why this actually makes him feel better—further exposure in this planet has turned him off the prospect of interspecies sex with creatures not named Tsunayoshi for pretty much the rest of his natural life. "Has anyone activated it?"

 

"Oh yeah,” Tsuna replies breezily. “Mukuro did. Once."

 

"And he is still alive how?"

 

"He left the body before Byakuran could split it open. Poor Leo never stood a chance."

 

Gokudera feels like his humanity is undergoing cosmic trial. "...Left the body... what?"

 

"Oh didn't I tell you?” Tsuna tilts his head. “Mukuro's a body snatcher. Don't go near his trident."

 

Oh, good old Mukuro, finding new and increasingly perverted ways to stay on top of Gokudera’s shit list. "Has he tried to snatch your body?" he asks sharply.

 

“Every week is his standard schedule," Tsuna answers casually, with a shrug. "He desires to spread my seed and dilute the Vongola line. In fact he’s due to attack right about…."

 

Gokudera suddenly finds himself hovering 100 feet in the air, clinging like a limpet to Tsuna’s waist. He looks down, and sees a steel trident neatly lodged in the exact spot they were standing on scant seconds prior.

 

“…now.” Tsuna finishes, holding Gokudera securely against his side as he slowly descends.

 

The whole thing happened so fast, Gokudera barely has the time to properly convey his rage via select profanity before Mukuro’s creepy laughter disappears around the corner. They land on the ground, and Tsuna grasps Gokudera’s shaking, sweaty hand, as he resumes their tour, seemingly unconcerned about his recent assassination attempt.

 

Gokudera opens and closes his mouth a few times, before finally finding an appropriate question to this ludicrous debacle.  “Aren’t you going to chase after him?” he cries out.

 

Tsuna shakes his head. “Too much effort. He’s probably on his way back to Kokuyo now, and we’re on a tight schedule.”

 

“What?! How do all these alien rulers just come and go to Vongola planet as they please?”

 

“We have an interplanetary teleportation system that allows for easy travel between planets,” Tsuna answers. “It accommodates basically any state of matter, with a strict weight limit of course.  Standard charges apply for anything over 500 kilograms.”

 

Gokudera temporarily forgets his rage against Mukuro as he catches the Earth terminology in a wholly alien environment. “Did you just say _kilograms?_ ”

 

“Ah, when I first left Earth, I brought many things with me, including the metric system,” Tsuna replies, looking inexplicably proud of this accomplishment. “It makes an extraordinary amount of sense.”

 

Gokudera perks up at this new discovery. “So you don’t need ships to travel?” That would make his alien studies infinitely more convenient.

 

“Only to far off planets like yours,” Tsuna quips, before making a face. “I mean, have you seen the gas bills on a spaceship? Utterly ridiculous.”

 

 

*

 

There's a baby talking to him. A baby dressed in a very Earth-cut suit and a fedora. The same baby that sent Tsuna flying across the room and sent Gokudera into a frenzied moral dilemma because on one hand, his first instinct is to murder the fuck out of anyone who hurts his one true love. On the other hand... it's a fucking _baby_ , he can't just attack babies- that’s like, a universal law.

 

"So as my no-good padawan has neglected to tell you, before you get on with your astral union, we need to find out your type."

 

Gokudera's about to say, my type are klultzy brunettes with big magma orange eyes and five-dimensional bedroom moves, when something green and scaly lands on his face.

 

"This is Leon, the sorting chameleon," Reborn says, as Gokudera struggles to remove the space lizard off his nose. "We shall use him to determine your flame type."

 

"By licking me?" Gokudera asks. "Oww! Gerroff!"

 

"No." And with that, the green alien chameleon hops off from his face, and lands on the baby's outstretched hand. It then glows with a psychedelic array of colours before finally settling on a final form. As a gun. "I'll shoot you of course."

 

"..."

 

"Hold him still, Tsuna."

 

"Don't worry, Hayato, I get shot several times a day," Tsuna reassures him, while wrapping strong arms around Gokudera's torso from behind, their bodies flush against each other. It would've been highly arousing, if it weren't for the fact that Tsuna's securing him in place to get shot in the head. "It's just like taking a punch in between your eyes."

 

"... But that hurts," Gokudera protests weakly. "A lot."

 

"Does it?"

 

"Humans are such fragile creatures," Reborn sighs, before cocking his gun. "Do something four-dimensional about it, Tsuna."

 

*

 

Gokudera is pretty sure humans should not have the necessary neurons to feel like this. On one hand, he just got shot in the head, and is surprisingly not dead yet, which he should be if he lived on earth. On the other hand, his body is so terribly confused- the experience was like getting an orgasm at the same time as getting a donkey punch to the face.

 

"You have multiple flames!" Tsuna says, his entire beautiful face lit up in astonishment. "That's amazing!"

 

Gokudera blinks then looks at the rings on his hand, which are all glowing in several colours. He  has no idea what having multiple flames is supposed to entail but judging from the awestruck look on Tsuna's face, it must be the Earth equivalent of having loads of money, a hot car and a big dick. Gokudera feels like a total stud now.

 

"Congratulations Dame-Tsuna, as far as intergalactic partners go, you sure picked well," Reborn adds, nodding approvingly in Gokudera's direction. Gokudera goes red and picks his brain for a modest but sensible reply.

 

"Between the two of us, we almost have the complete set," Tsuna says, excitedly. " All that's missing is the mist type."

 

"Well," Reborn muses, looking up thoughtfully.  "Mukuro is not opposed to polyamory—”

 

"—NO."

 

*

 

"Primo, this is my chosen mate, Hayato Gokudera, from the Class M planet Earth in sector 2814," Tsuna announces, as he presents Gokudera to a beautiful blond sitting imperiously on a large throne made of what seems to be diamond shellfish.  He then turns to Gokudera. "And this is my brother, the first ruler of the Vongola Planet."

 

"Your highness," Gokudera says, falling to his knees, and prostrating himself on the lush carpet.

 

The court goes very quiet.

 

Tsuna, in fact, is the colour of Hayato's dominant flame. "Hayato, not in front of Primo!"

 

Gokudera suddenly feels like something cold and scaly crawled down his spine.

 

Reborn clears his throat and speaks first. "Touching your knees to the floor and raising your buttocks in the air,  is the Vongolian sign that you are admitting to have incessantly defiled the purity of one of our rulers," he says morosely. "Or in your Earth vernacular, you just declared to his royal magnificence that you are guilty of enticing his brother into using his harpoon of lust to repeatedly attack your anal fortress."

 

Everyone blinks, while Gokudera sinks to the floor, desiring nothing more than to jump into the nearest space cannon and shoot himself into the sun.

 

Reborn sighs. "Dammit Leon, how many times do I have to tell you not to use bad fanfiction for the Earth translator."

 

"At least you are honest about your intentions," Giotto says, with the most benevolent of smiles and the most menacing eyes. "Now I don't need to convince the court about your impure intentions towards the royal family."

 

"Brother- he doesn't know about our customs,” Tsuna quickly intercedes,  shielding Gokudera with arms wide open. “On earth, touching the knees to the floor is called ‘kneeling’... and it’s a sign of deference and great respect!“

 

“Is that so?” Giotto says before inclining his head towards Reborn. “Tell me, Reborn, what do humans usually do when ‘kneeling?’”

 

“Photographic evidence suggest that they use it for both sacred and profane purposes, with the latter being more prominent,” Reborn suggests, and a projection of various porn sites appear in the middle of the room, before being shown a few pictures of monks kneeling in prayer.

 

“I see,” Giotto says, and flicks his gaze towards the trembling Gokudera. “So when you were kneeling for Tsunayoshi, you were doing what exactly?”

 

“Brother, please, he was kneeling in—”

 

“—WORSHIP,” Gokudera hurriedly yells.

 

“Worship?” both Tsuna and Giotto repeat.

 

“Yes, your Grace,” Gokudera repeats, this time with greater conviction. “I was worshipping him. Orally. I mean, vocally.”

 

“All night long?” Giotto says skeptically.

 

“With your mouth?” Reborn asks.

 

“Yes.. Speaking in… uh, tongues and all.”

 

Giotto raises one perfectly arched eyebrow. “Is this true, Tsunayoshi?”

 

“Well, Hayato made me feel like a powerful deity.”

 

“Yes, I keep calling him god," Gokudera verifies enthusiastically.

 

"I see," Giotto says, though his eyes have not lost their frosty glare at Gokudera. “However, this doesn’t change the fact that this isn’t Earth, and he committed a foul act...” He trails off when Tsuna juts out his lip and widens his eyes pitifully, projecting what Gokudera’s fairly sure is the Vongolian equivalent of a soulful, starving kitten look, that has all members of the court clutching their chests as if stricken with guilt at the very idea of making their liege unhappy.

 

Giotto included.

 

"But  I'll forgive this insolence for now," Giotto finishes grudgingly.

 

Whoa. Forget flames, Gokudera is pretty sure Tsuna’s starving kitten look is one of Vongola’s secret weapons of mass psychological destruction.

 

Tsuna’s face breaks out into a sweet smile, as he runs forward to kiss his brother’s hand. “Oh thank you Primo, your benevolence is truly legendary.”

 

"However..." Giotto's eyes are dark with promise. "If you break his heart, I will sentence you to a million years of toiling in the darkest anti-matter depositories in space."

 

Gokudera gulps, but his eyes are resolute. “I will be loyal to him ‘til the end of my days.”

 

“Good.” Giotto leans back into his throne, regal and beautiful. “:Send out the invitations. The Tenth has found a mate.”

 

 

 

*

 

The intergalactic union went smoothly without much incident, except for the part where Mukuro sicced a gigantic three-headed space serpent at them when it came to the exchanging of vows. Hibari immediately sprang into action, introducing his tonfa to Mukuro’s trident; Byakuran brought out his own white dragon to aggressively engage Mukuro’s serpent and Giotto wearily sends out his Sun Knight Ryohei to blow them away with his MAXIMUM CANNON, in a four-way space battle that is in no way a metaphor for something else.  

 

Knuckle, planet Vongola's shaman / priest had declared the happening EXTREME and carried on with the ceremony, even as chaos and destruction raged on behind them.

 

Gokudera, on the other hand, wants to cry,  except that he’s still on the fence on whether what would come out are tears of joy or tears of frustration. Also, it wouldn’t look too flattering on his ceremonial dress, which he has convinced himself is an honour to wear, despite being made of see-through material, with only a sizeable clam shell on the crotch area (which Tsuna has ensured was free of any Mukuro-induced enchantment)  to preserve his modesty.  “Are we going to have to stop the wedding?” he asks tearfully, before saying “I DO.”

 

Knuckle grins heartily, and turns to Tsuna. “Do you, Sawada Tsunayoshi, Tenth Ruler of the Vongola Planet, and overseer of the Galactic Alliance of Planets do solemnly swear, to take Hayato Gokudera of Earth, to be your lawfully wedded mate, in famine and prosperity, in peacetime and intergalactic death matches, in sickness or in health, til permanent death or accidental teleportation to alternate universes do you part?”

 

“I do,” Tsuna replies solemnly, his demeanor perfectly composed, as if an increasingly violent interspecies war isn’t taking place at the back of his wedding chapel.

 

New war cries join the ongoing cacophony and Gokudera clutches Tsuna’s arm. “Hibari just released three giant spiky hedgehogs out there,” he chokes out, watching as one of the said giant hedgehogs neatly demolishes the back wall of their wedding venue in an attempt to roll over the space reptiles playing demolition derby on the church pews.

 

“We’re not stopping the wedding because of this minor scuffle! This is not unusual at all,” Tsuna says cheerfully, while simultaneously stepping aside to avoid a wayward phallic projectile. “It’s not a Vongola wedding if someone doesn’t throw a giant monster in the middle of the ceremony.”

 

Gokudera feels the boundaries of his humanity entering critical failure. “But--”

 

“Do not fret, Hayato. Mukuro hasn’t even taken off his trousers yet. When that happens, that’s when things get really interesting.”

 

Someone screams out OHMYGOD IT’S THE 5D TENTACLES! and Gokudera takes that as his cue to wrench his eyes away and resolutely stare at Tsuna’s serene face. Even if he can still hear it, as long as he doesn’t look directly at it, it shouldn’t be able to kill his brain.

 

Tsuna is focused entirely on his new mate, and he’s looking at Gokudera with an utterly lovestruck look in his eyes, and that’s it, the background noise just fades,  as all other images vacate Gokudera’s brain to solely focus on the fact that he’s actually marrying an alien _prince_ , something that he only ever imagined in his wildest fantasies several years ago.

 

"Now you may proceed with the unifying ritual…” Knuckles’ voice interrupts, slicing through their cozy airspace like a cruel space katana.

 

Gokudera’s mood jumps back to panic. “Wait— what ritual?”

 

"Oh I extremely forgot about your vernacular!” Knuckle exclaims, slapping a fist on his palm. Reborn helpfully  hands him the Leon translator. “Let's see, you may now hmmm do the beast with two backs and plunder the chocolate tunnel with the meat stick that produces baby batter.” He slaps the books closed and pumps his fist in the air. "EXTREME TRANSLATION!"

 

"In front of all these people?" Gokudera all but screeches.

 

“Of course not, Hayato,” Tsuna says, and without preamble, picks up Gokudera in his arms,  opens a portal from out of nowhere, and steps in.

 

“Where are we going?” Gokudera asks, trying not to blush too hard at the manly manner in which he is being carried.

 

Tsuna grins brightly, like the sun is shining beneath his skin. “To where humans go after their wedding day!”

 

 

 

*

“I must say, this is most unusual,” Tsuna comments idly.

 

Gokudera says nothing and merely nods, grasping Tsuna’s hand tightly.

 

“Though don’t get me wrong, the view of planet earth is quite lovely from here.”

 

They gradually descend back to level ground, and white space dust pools around Gokudera’s boots. Still, he says nothing.

 

“Your customs are quite strange,” Tsuna muses, as he prepares to take another leap, hand in hand with Gokudera. “How on earth do you find the patience to copulate in decreased gravity?”

 

Gokudera stifles a sigh and smiles like a grim champion. He doesn’t have the heart to tell Tsuna that people don’t actually go to the moon on a honeymoon.

 

~fin~

**Author's Note:**

> ... Look, I don't even know okay. 
> 
> (I hope you liked it Zee!)


End file.
